A year ago today I said goodbye to the most precious thing in my life, my son. Aaron's father and I held him in our arms until he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating. His death was a beautiful end to his amazing life. He left this world comforted by the two people he loved the most. We told him how much we loved him and we were so proud of him.
I have cried many times. Sometimes until I could not breathe and other times until I found myself laughing at a fun memory. I have been working very hard to smile more and cry less when I think of him. He deserves that and so do I. He was a very happy child. Full of passion and laughter and love. I want to honor his memory with the happiness that his life brought to all those who knew him.
For awhile I was afraid to be happy. How could I be happy when my son had died? For several months I mostly wanted to be alone. I needed time to work through my emotions. I even begged God to take me also. Apparently, He has other plans for me. I am still here and I am happy and I am at peace (all things I really did not want).
I still hold on to my two coping mechanisms. I do not like talking on the phone. I rarely answer, but I am trying to get better. I also cannot watch the news.
I still thank God every day for choosing me. I am not sure why I was blessed to be his mother, but I was.
Aaron's life was amazing, but his death was just as purposeful.
When I knew Aaron probably did not have much time left, I wanted to make sure I could do whatever I could to see that he knew Jesus. There is nothing I wanted more for my son than to know he would make it to Heaven. I prepared him the best I could by reading the Bible with him and he loved it. The truth is I cannot determine if Aaron goes to Heaven, but this experience drew me closer to God and closer to the truth. Aaron did that for me. He brought me closer to God and closer to the Truth.
Grieving is tough. I miss him. I want to squeeze him. I want to hear his little voice. I want to hear his laughter. I want to snuggle with him on the couch. I want to read books all day like we used to and learn new things. I miss reading the dictionary with him. I miss hearing the sounds of trains all day. It hurts. It hurts bad.
I cry every day. Some more than others. But I am mostly happy. I stay busy and have the most amazing friends. My life has been so full that I started turning friends away until next year because I am exhausted. I haven't rested much since Aaron's death. My health started to get pretty bad, but is finally turning around.
I read the Bible almost daily. I want to see Aaron again and selfishly this has been my motivation to learn about where he is and how I can see him again.
When Aaron died, most people said to me that Aaron is healed in Heaven and I wanted to believe that, but I never truly did. I did not believe that Aaron was in Heaven dancing around with dogs or cooking or chasing trains. I was even told to read Heaven is for Real because I did not believe Aaron was in Heaven. I read the book and saw the movie and it was a bunch of bogus to me. I didn't believe one bit of that either. I really struggled for a month or two with how I would see my baby again. Then I decided to go to the only place I could find answers. The Bible. Anyone or anything else that tells me what happens after death is just guessing. I wanted to know for real. I found my answers. I will see Aaron again and we will go to Heaven. And I can't wait. I am ready. But until my time is up on Earth, I am going to continue to learn from my child and do what he would do... Be brave!
P.S. Nowhere in the Bible does it say when we die we go to straight to Heaven.
Aaron went to be with the Lord May 11, 2016. This picture is of Aaron's baptism when Michael and I vowed to raise Aaron as a Christian and to know God. In Aaron's final days, he very much enjoyed me reading the Bible to him. He would ask questions and we had great discussions.
Aaron had a few true loves in life: his Mom, his Papa, trains, cooking and his puppies. Aaron left the earth surrounded by everything he loved. Michael and I held him in our arms until he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating. He had his trains playing and held onto his Pupster. He passed quickly. It was just the three of us which is what he would have wanted.
Aaron was cremated. Some of his ashes are in a train urn. The rest Michael spread over the train yard where we spent countless hours watching trains. Michael said that there were more trains than he has ever seen at the train yard after Aaron passed.
We miss him like crazy. We know he is all around us and will never be forgotten. As he was leaving, I told him to go chase the trains. I will never be able to hear a train without thinking of my baby in heaven.
We will not be having a memorial service. We are making a memory book and would like more than anything for everyone to submit fun stories of Aaron. Please remember him as the funny, happy, stubborn, passionate and intelligent person he was. He was not defined by his illness. He did not lose any battles. He lived! He accomplished more in six years than some do in a lifetime. He spent every day doing what he loved. His life was not easy, but he did everything asked of him. He was a happy kid and full of laughter. We are so very proud of Aaron.
The pain in my heart is present, but I feel less pain now. Seeing Aaron suffer the last few months was more painful than letting him go. He is free now. He is happy. He is home.
Memory book. Submit to:
Gretchenerose@aol.com
Or
Kterose@aol.com
I will let everyone know when it is available to order. The more stories the better. Everyone asks what they can do for me. This is it. Take a few moments to recount the fun times and the moving moments so I can recount them for the rest of my life.
Aaron continues to decline. He was intubated last night and put on a ventilator. The regular ventilator was not helping and they had to use an oscillator type to ventilate him. They are also talking about dialysis again.
Aaron is in good hands and hopefully is getting the rest his body needs. This is the third time he has been intubated and ventilated. I have learned it is a long slow process. There probably won't be much to update for awhile.
He is surrounded by his doggies and I have trains playing on the iPad. I read him books and hold his hand. My love.
Aaron has been transferred to the ICU again. His breathing continues to decline. He has been put back on the high flow at a high setting with no success. His chest X-ray shows likely pneumonia. This is actually very good news. If Aaron has an infection, he has hope of recovering. If Aaron does not have an infection, there is very little left to help him. He is weak and tired but still fights the nurses. The doctor told him he couldn't drink anything and he let her have it. He is not going to back down and I am so proud of him. He finally got his way and is allowed to drink.
Aaron may have days, weeks, months or years left. I have had overwhelming support and prayers. I want to ask a favor of anyone who feels Aaron has touched their lives. I want to put together a memory book. I would love you to write something about Aaron. Anything. I especially love how funny he is and the funny things he says. Feel free to write multiple things. Please include pictures that moved you. I have pictures on
I would like this book to be a positive book. Aaron has not and never will lose any "battles" with disease or illness. Aaron has won at life. He is happy. He knows God and he spends everyday doing what he is passionate about. He should not be pitied. He is an amazing child. If his life is short that is because he has fulfilled His purpose.
My sister and sister-in-law will be putting this together. When it is done, I would be happy to give you the information on how to order one. Please send all your memories to
Thank you! And I appreciate each and every text, message, and phone call you have sent me in thought prayer and encouragement. I apologize that I rarely answer phone calls. It is too hard to talk about and each time I have to tell tell someone that Aaron is not well is like reopening a painful wound. I am better with text.
Please also pass this blog post on to anyone who may want to contribute.
Aaron has been out of the ICU for a week now. He has still been struggling with breathing and almost went back to the ICU. He is putting on weight at a scary rate. His weight gain has made it so he can hardly walk at all. He stands for about five minutes and goes into respiratory distress. Overall, Aaron is not better and things are not good. His sores do not heal.
I try to focus on the good times. Aaron still has laughter and some happiness. My heart hurts for him, but nothing is better in this whole world than the sound of his laughter.
I feel like my hope in medicine has left me. I can only lean on faith.
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
This picture sums up the past week. Aaron gets very nauseous and his oxygen sats drop. When he gets sick, I rub his back. He likewise rubs Pupsters back. Aaron says "it's always nice to have a good friend by your side."
Neither of us are very excited to be in the ICU. Aaron misses his friends on the BMT unit (PT, OT, speech, music therapy, child life volunteers, and familiar nurses). He also misses hearing the little boy who was our neighbor. We nicknamed him "the cat" because when he cried he sounded like a cat. Aaron walked down the hall one day and peeked in his window. The two boys were waving to each other and saying hello. Aaron does not like the every two hour vitals in the ICU (BMT is every four hours). I don't like hearing the code blue alarm everyday and seeing the staff run by to try and bring another child back to life. This triggers PTSD. I relate what we have been through as being in battle (I hope this does not offend anyone who has been in war). Everyday we see kids fighting for their lives. They have horrible wounds, horrible pain, and even worse is the anxiety because as they get older they start to understand. Every day these kids go to bed (often not sleeping well) and wake up hoping a new day will bring a better day. Often, the new day is not better. Aaron has been in battle for five years. But still we keep hoping. My inspiration this week is "let faith change the endless worry."
There has been a remarkable upside this week. Aaron is off the high flow machine and back to a regular nasal canula with 1.5-2 L oxygen. This level is still much higher than we want, but Aaron is more stable. His chest is not heaving with each breath and his nostrils are no longer flaring. The team is even talking about Aaron moving back to the BMT unit today or tomorrow. The ICU is phenomenal. The nurses are top-notch. When you press the call button, a nurse shows up within seconds.
Overall, Aaron is feeling better. He has been cooking for his dogs again. He even got a visit from music therapy. His old music therapist, Caitlyn, recently left the hospital. She told the other therapist that the patient who has touched her heart the most and she will miss the most is Aaron. We also love Beth. She has an app where Aaron drives a train through different scenes and picks up passengers. She plays the guitar and sings along to what Aaron is doing. Her voice is absolutely beautiful.
I had a much needed conversation with one of Aaron's doctors from day hospital. He asked about Aaron and I told him. I said that things have been bad and I fear I may lose him soon. I am willing to do what I can to save Aaron, but I also don't know when I am supposed to say "enough." The doctor assured me in his experience that Aaron will let me know when it "is time." Right now Aaron is mostly happy and definitely fighting. I hope the doctor is right. I also hope I am not faced with a time where I have to make such decisions.
One of Aaron's favorite songs is The Old Log Train by Hank Williams. The song sings about a man who hauled a log train until God called him to Heaven. Aaron cried as he was sad the man had to go. I have been telling Aaron that people are happy to go to Heaven. The man singing was not sad about his father in heaven, but excited that he will see him again. I am glad we are having talks of heaven, but Aaron has shown he is not ready to go anytime soon. He has a lot of struggles to overcome, but he is not done fighting.
