A year without my sunshine

A year ago today I said goodbye to the most precious thing in my life, my son. Aaron's father and I held him in our arms until he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating. His death was a beautiful end to his amazing life. He left this world comforted by the two people he loved the most. We told him how much we loved him and we were so proud of him.

I have cried many times. Sometimes until I could not breathe and other times until I found myself laughing at a fun memory.  I have been working very hard to smile more and cry less when I think of him. He deserves that and so do I.  He was a very happy child. Full of passion and laughter and love.   I want to honor his memory with the happiness that his life brought to all those who knew him.

For awhile I was afraid to be happy. How could I be happy when my son had died?  For several months I mostly wanted to be alone. I needed time to work through my emotions. I even begged God to take me also.  Apparently, He has other plans for me.  I am still here and I am happy and I am at peace (all things I really did not want).

I still hold on to my two coping mechanisms. I do not like talking on the phone. I rarely answer, but I am trying to get better. I also cannot watch the news.

I still thank God every day for choosing me. I am not sure why I was blessed to be his mother, but I was.